Ever dreamed of becoming an award winning actress? Well, it may be time for a re-evaluation... Featured

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Once in a blue moon, an example of journalistic genius will be published. This literary sensation will ignite the fires of inspiration so ferociously within your loins, until it’s all you can do not to drop your pants, jump backwards over the Edward Boyle turnstiles, and gyrate home in your new found state of knowledge and understanding.

 On the other hand, there are those articles, those journalistic blunders that leave you wanting to drop-kick your laptop into oncoming traffic, and set a team of hungry ferrets into the newsroom that condoned its publication.

The Daily Mail Online often plays host to the crème de la crème of trivial horsesh*t which leaves its female readers hating themselves, or, quite often, each other. Its ability to taint circumstances of significant female achievement with faux-concerned misogynist angst is more astounding than the enduring strength of octomoms’ pelvic floor muscles.

With this in mind, this week’s Oscars awards ceremony must have had Daily Mail reporters salivating into their keyboards, thinking “oh just think of all the fashion faux-pas we (as highly-qualified fashion commentators) Daily Mail reporters will be able to pass judgement on. Oh powers that be, Gods of the news world, let someone trip on their Dior gown. Let it rip from hem to bust and have their tits pop out in the process.” Poor Jennifer Lawrence, she never stood a chance, did she?

Sure enough, they came, like a pack of rabid blood-hounds, nipping at the Prada sling-backed heels.

Yet Lawrence’s fall (handled with elegance and poise, rather than “distracting from the honour”), was not the Daily Mail’s ultimate sabotage attempt of the occasion. More repugnant than their obvious mirth over J Law’s face plant was their piece which featured a photograph of a smiling Anne Hathaway and her new husband, beside the headline:

“Will Anne be the next victim of the Oscar Curse? Leading actresses who win award 63% more likely to get divorce (just ask Kate and Reese)”

Ah, the Mail, you astute fountain of all knowledge. With your stellar reputation for statistical analysis and factually-based news stories, I don’t even feel the need to run what you’re about to say by Kate or Reese. Besides, they’ve already got a lot on their plates these days, so busy are they smashing their heads against their award statuettes surrounded by pictures of their ex-husbands.

At one point, the Mail, the world’s top read website (so hungry are we for top notch news stories), uses the example of Sandra Bullock as the latest ‘victim’ of the ‘Oscars curse.’ Poor Jesse James, few can understand the burden placed on a marriage by that little gold man. We forgive you, no, we applaud you; there is nothing more emasculating than a wife’s success, in fact, I’m surprised you didn’t embark on more infidelities. In my opinion, you were driven to be the detestable philanderer you are today. Shame on you Sandra, for being naive enough to think you could sustain a marriage and succeed in your career.

But are we at all surprised? As with any modern day success story, Anne will be subject to the harsh glare of the media lens, in which her career is constantly scrutinized against her domestic decisions. Maybe she will have children, maybe she won’t. Maybe the Mail will run a story on how the Oscars make you infertile. I’m sure there will be a statistic to back this up which they can pull out of their ass.

I’d wish the downfall of the brute that commissioned this piece, but it seems to me that the Daily Mail Online, as well as the other publications who featured this non-story, function on a ‘just scribble down a few thoughts on some bog roll and we’ll get the office hamster to read over it’ kind of publication process. As with an attention seeking toddler, it’s probably best not to pay too much attention. 

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