Paranormal Craptivity

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Patrick Swayze, Adolf Hitler, Bambi’s mother. They have many similarities; they’re world renowned, have beautiful eyes, and possess strong political views… Oh and also they’re dead. As of now they cease to exist. The daring mistress that is Death has taken them and will one day pull a Mrs Robinson and seduce us too. Some however, believe biting the bullet is not the be-all and burnt to urn-sized end-all of reality. Recently Andrea Samuels, 41, has attained a firm understanding that she was contacted by her late husband from beyond the grave. How, you ask? He appeared in portrait through damp on her wall. Now I’m no expert, but I believe what Ms Samuels has seen here is a strong combination of blind-faith and bullshit.

ECTOGASMIC

It’s not uncommon. Every so often you’ll stumble upon the wrong conversation in a pub where someone will be desperate to ram something spooky down your throat, but then they’ll stow away the date rape pills and then tell you about their warped views of the other side. To some extent it’s understandable, lose a loved one, want to feel like they’re still around and bluff them back into their mind to cope with the stress. That can be forgiven, whatever works. But, what is absolutely inexcusable unfortunately is the dreaded, “I was home alone one night and when I woke up in the morning my sheets were covered in ectoplasm! It must be granddad.” There are number of explanations for that, but what else was I supposed to tell my mum? My GCSE’s were stressful.


“He’s not the Messiah, he’s a poorly maintained lebensraum.”

What we should really look for is the reasons for these activities. When you look closer at most of these ‘scary’ stories you realise a lot of them can be answered quite easily. Let’s tackle the initial issue first: Mr facey-face on the wall. Personally it was only noticeable once the headline told me it was a face, up until then it was a just another common domestic problem in need of dire attention. A lot of these are people just seeing what they want to see, a tool to ease their grieving minds to manage the loss. Don’t even get me started on ‘strange sounds’ and ‘objects moving on their own’, two words: poor organisation. If I loosely hang a picture on a wall over thin string, it will eventually wear away and consequently smash the picture of Lorraine Kelly it once held. Stories like this are just asking for some kind of genius to write an article...

The more common, if not ‘scarier’ stories that get circulated often involve people waking up in the middle of the night to see a dark figure watching over them, sometimes even straddling them and strangling the poor souls. These people are deadly serious when they tell you too, so try not to laugh. Although, there is an answer to this phenomenon: ‘Sleep Paralysis’. It takes hold typically when the sufferer drifts off on their back. It occurs through a poor transition between being asleep and awake and it can be absolutely terrifying. 


Bury the Ghost-Faced Hatchet

The final nail in the coffin with all this ghostly palaver is science. Surely we have enough evidence and just common sense to disprove this twaddle and it is just the select few that are taking too many liberties with their subjective views on the world. We’re not in the dark ages anymore and we need to start basing our beliefs on facts, not fantasy. Horror should be left where it belongs, in fiction and not let it haunt our everyday lives.

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