Masturbation Maximus: The Minimizer of Muscles

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It’s a cold evening. You’ve just finished a hard-night session at the gym. Collectively you’ve lifted more weight than forty Mini Coopers over that last three hours. You’ve worked hard. You want to relax. You NEED to relax, and with a cheeky smirk you flip open the laptop and set to work on the biggest 13 seconds of your entire life. However, is this manic self-molestation doing more harm than good?

Picture the Scene:

There’s no one home. The curtains are closed. The only light that’s brimming comes from the artificial glare over by the computer in the corner. You’re just a few clicks and a Barry White album away from glory. Before you know it you’re dripping in that well-deserved sticky relief to escape from a hard day on the go. But, what becomes of your workout? We know masturbation affects testosterone, so has that ‘wafty crank’ dribbled away your chances of muscle gains? Or is your growth as firm and as rigid as it has always been?

Literally a Mindf**k

Let’s face facts. A lot of us do it… a lot. Simple, easy and best of all bloody good fun (not literally obviously, that would be hideous) but one can’t help but feeling a certain standard slips when other activities are involved. The lethargy with the hints of disgust afterwards, opens up a world of inactivity and sloppiness. It takes the edge off the day, but is this a good thing? Certainly I’m not saying we should abolish such riveting activities, what else would people do with my Facebook pictures? However, a degree of abstinence should definitely be explored.

28 Dudes that didn’t RSVP

An experiment carried out in China in 2003 investigated such a topic to see what actual affects spanking the manliest monkey had on testosterone. The test involved 28 men, in what was known at the time as the biggest circle-jerk ever recorded. I’m joking of course. Although, I’m sure that wouldn’t have been the biggest, the internet’s pretty grim, even if it was 2003. Moving on, the REAL study revolved around these 28 guys abstaining from ‘coming to dinner’ for one week. The first six days showed no impact at all on the T-levels at all. However on the seventh day the God of Consistent Testosterone rested, and levels spiked to 145.7% of their original recording on average. However on the eighth day those levels started dropping harder than an atomic bomb on an owl.

W**k Aware

Wrapping this up, it would seem that the effects are negligible, until that seventh day, and then you’re back to square one. If you think about it, unless you’re Superman, the amount that comes out is nowhere near to the amount of food that goes in. If we were to rename that Chinese experiment as somewhat of a gospel on this subject we see the best idea is to indulge oneself in a swift jerkin’ of the gherkin at least once a week. The last day should be savoured for that athletic edge when performing in physical activities and give it 145.7%! Then upon return in the evening to ensure your progress is in check, seal the sweetest sticky deal with oneself. So if you work out and also partake in some alone-time, with an intelligent dose of moderation, there really can be a happy ending. Ahh.

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