An Inability to Keep Warm

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Summer is here again and so is the disappointment so much of us seem to share over the British summer. Had we forgotten where we lived? Were people expecting it to be one hundred degrees in the shade for a whole three months? It’s as if half the nation suffers from a short term memory of all our summers being those scorching Mediterranean summers. Not one drop of rain, widespread hose pipe bans, all plants withering and dying through lack of moisture and the local tramp has swapped his Frosty Jack’s and beanie hat for tequila and a sombrero.

I do not see the obsession with warm weather; in the winter if I am too cold I can put on a jumper or leave the house in one of my fine selection of jackets and coats I have put so much time and money into procuring. If it’s too hot, there is nothing I can do but sit and suffer. Maybe also as one of the males of the species I find it harder. Women have a huge selection of attire for any occasion, be it hot, cold, raining or avalanche. Gentlemen have a choice of trousers and a (T-)shirt or a jacket if it’s cold, and then the most difficulty…shorts. Any man that is not a pitch of some sort looks ridiculous in shorts. Why are you walking around Hyde Park in surfing shorts? Do you own a surf board? Is this California or West Yorkshire? At least they are not any man who walks down the street topless.

Through my own unintelligible thought process, no matter what the weather is I will be wearing skinny jeans, I have worn them for years and I won’t be stopping and donning shorts because of any global warming. The ice caps may be melting but my skinny jeans are staying firmly zipped up. Well for the most part, I have my needs.

Back to point at hand, unhappy with the inevitable climate of the Northern hemisphere, thousands jet off abroad each year in search of sun. To dodgy hotels, suspicious tasting drinks, lack of plumbing and a questionable police ethic. All this suffered for a glimpse of sunshine? You could have spent the hundreds of pounds you used on flights, accommodation, booking fees to have an equally good time here. The only difference is a temperature increase and a pool, probably swarmed with noisy children splashing and being annoying.

Why bother jetting off abroad when you can stay in the UK? Go camping with your mates, swap dodgy police and passport officials for equally dodgy but not as threatening farmers. There is nothing funnier then a bearded elderly farmer shaking his fist at you menacingly from his tractor and probably infinitely more funny then a cavity search. Go to a festival and see all those bands and artists you’ve always wanted to see in one place and an excuse to drink and smoke your body weight in anything you can get your hands on. Go and sit in a pub garden all day or go and be a fire hazard by having a barbeque in places you probably shouldn’t. Start a band with your mates and use it as an excuse to drink beer in the garage in the proximity of musical instruments. Just be a general nuisance and save money doing it.

And if you’re cold just put a jumper on.

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