The "Beautiful" Game

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It’s taken over our TV’s, our newspapers and ultimately our social lives. Euro 2012 has arrived and whether a fan of football or not, we’re faced with three weeks of tackles, penalties and goals. For the ultimate ‘lad’ this will probably sound like a dream come true. For me, and I’m sure for the majority of the female sex out there it’s less a dream and more a nightmare.

Now you all know I’m patriotic. So I’m definitely supporting England - in theory. But I’m not going to lie; I’m definitely more of a rugby fan. Give me a muddied up, broken limbed, “I don’t care I’m going to play anyway” man and you have me on my knees – no, not in that way you dirty-minded people. In my own humble opinion, footballers are over-paid, over-sexed and... well, they over-react. Out of the ninety-minute game you are sure to witness five grown men rolling on the floor, crying and throwing a tantrum in true toddler style. Honestly? I’d much rather be watching Coronation Street; Rita is far braver than Ronaldo.

Before I become subject to a bunch of sexist arguments and stereotypical comments - I’m not completely adverse to football as a sport. In fact back in my glory days at primary school I was the captain of the girl’s team. And a right David Beckham I was too. But that’s the difference between male players and female. We girls just get on with it. We take a foot to the shin and we carry on. After all boys, that’s what shin-pads are for.But it seems if a man is calling a game “beautiful” instead of you, serious action is needed. Especially if you consider male conversation an important part of life, which trust me: you should do. It may often be blunt, rude and simple, but compared to long drawn-out clothes related monologues it is a welcome respite. Take it from someone who spent seven years at an all-girl school, a further two years living in a house full of girls and someone who has reverberated a few of those long drawn-out monologues themselves… Everyone needs some male in their life.


There is however, more chance of bumping into Ryan Gosling in your local pub than there is of deferring any spark of conversation away from the Euros. So my advice to you is to begin to learn the lingo. It’s always better to sound intelligent rather than like you’re lacking a brain cell, so you must be convincing. Men will undoubtedly be impressed and you’ve “tackled” your first relationship hurdle: pretending to be someone you’re not. You can never say I don’t give top-notch advice.The Dictionary of Football includes everything from the player’s names to the offside rule. Of which your first lesson begins here: the attacker mustn’t run faster than his defenders. Simple; I don’t know what all the fuss is about.

Basically we girls are faced with two options during Euros 2012. We can sit at home, alone and basking in our pride at not being seduced by the game of football. Or we can don the St George flag, scrub up on the European Union (if nothing else, it’s a geography lesson) and go do the seducing ourselves. All those men congregated in one small confined room? I know which one I’ll be doing. No innuendo intended.

Jessica Baggaley

I make the incoherent coherent through punctuation, adjectives and irony.


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