Twittigated Scepticism Featured

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It’s 5am, a glorious summer’s morn. Before you: a tree. The rustling of twigs echoes above you, a little bird awakening from slumber. Travel yonder the tree, gaze deeply onto the horizon. The sun is rising, coated in all its ultraviolet glory, a solemn tear slides down your cheek. Nature and beauty are holding hands. But what’s this? Back in the tree, the little bird is twittering. What a pleasant and enjoyable audible experience the world has delivered us today. With each squeak and squawk of this melodic creature’s animalia acapella you feel yourself become content, complete with your own mortality. You can die happy. What a wondrous thing.

Beep-boop-beep. It could be any time during the day. The curtains are sealed shut, daylight hasn’t seen inside this hovel in months. The big mechanical box in the corner is making different kind of twittering altogether. An electronic evil pulses throughout the darkly dusted room. You can hear the brain cells of the opened-mouth user diminishing with every moment. You can taste the stale air. The screen flickers.

I never been one to take a jab at social networking, but Twitter has the unique ability to muster such lividness inside of me that only rabid dogs would be able to understand. Sites like this have been devoured and crapped out in their dozens over the last decade by the interwebbing; the two main culprits having aggressively set up camp in the bowels of the net and refusing to eject like the waste it is. Facebook and Twitter.

I do get it. I appreciate the idea of these sites. If I had Mark Zuckerberg’s money, I wouldn’t be writing this article. I’d be living in a medieval castle eating steaks as big as my face for breakfast, lunch and dinner. However, some feel these modes of communication are as essential as water to enjoy life, partially due to the fact they don’t know how to have one of their own. With every man woman and child up to the age of 40 plugged in, it’s better to have it then not. Through Facebook, contacting people has never been easier. It all makes sense. The core ingredients are all there. All the people you know, partially know, and accidentally slept with are a click away in case of emergency. That’s fine. It can also be somewhat enjoyable reminiscing with an old friend without having to pick up the phone and actually having to talk to them. That unfortunately, is where the book ends. Twitter takes this great idea and forces it to a new level, which for the common user is neither productive nor attractive.

Tweeting is the root of all evil. A study in San-Antonio by market based research firm ‘Pear Analytics’ found that 40% of the 140 character nightmares are absolute twaddle. Their exact label was ‘pointless babble’ which speaks volumes. Another 38% was conversational and the rest was a combination of spam, self-promotion, reposted garbage and news. From this evidence, Twitter seems nothing more than endless buffet for attention hungry imbeciles. They gorge themselves on others. They flood ‘news feed’ with hollowed information, in a midst to get a reaction and to be told how unbelievably interesting they are. This reassurance probably needed to combat certain desperation in their life. In my opinion the only individuals who should have any control over this monstrosity are the corporations and celebrities; the self-promotional aspect is too suitable. Subtract the general population from the equation as they will not hold interest to just about anybody as they do not already possess a thriving fan base. They just ‘follow’ their interests. This model keeps the public in the loop of their favourite person or thing on a round-the-clock basis.

But wait! What about all the idiots from the Great City of Attentiondewhordium? Where will they go? As much as it figuratively kills me to say it: Facebook. There they can go mental with photo albums and lots of other annoying features that allow them to produce at industrial levels. As Facebook can facilitate all these features, it’s wiser to filter all these kinds of people there. Twitter then turns into a bulletin board consisting solely of USEFUL information for those who want it.

Then time is only wasted by those who actually want to waste their time online.

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