The Cynics' A-Z of University (Part 1) Featured

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As thousands of students arrive at university for the first time, here is BounceSIN's cynics' A-Z of university life..


A is for Activities

In Freshers Week, you will be invited to join every society under the sun.  As you usually have to pay some form of fee, don’t go mad and join the ‘Carving the faces of Britain’s Prime Minsters Out of Cheese’ Society. Why not try a nice sensible option, like knitting.


B is for Booze

Ah yes, The Holy Grail of University. Woohoo I’ve left home and I’m over 18, I’ve got an indispensable amount of money and can get fucked every night! You get the drift. Whilst drinking your body weight in alcohol is very good and proper, if you do actually get fucked absolutely every single night, you might want to get help - as you might be an alcoholic.  


C is for Cunts

Whatever University you go to, whatever halls your in, whatever course you’re on, you will encounter this specimen of student.As tempting as this might seem, try hard not to staple things to their heads. You might be expelled and end up in therapy.


D is for Drugs

Whether you’re the type who likes to sit in their room alone getting high, or the club fiend who enjoys spending their evenings chewing their own faces off, whilst humping everybody in the vicinity, you’ll find that most universities up and down the country cater to your drug taking needs. During Freshers Week, why not introduce yourself to your friendly local drug dealer - you know what they say, it’s all about making new friends!


E is for Exercise

Join the gym. It’s very good for you and makes you feel happy due to all those lovely endorphins. Plus you will thank yourself one month down the line when all the takeaways and pints of Bulmers have started to catch up with you.


F is for Food

In Fresher’s Week, you will be given lots of advice on how to live a student life, and this will probably include some form of advice on food shopping. Here is my own personal guide on how to do a weekly food shop:

Step 1. Decide what you would like to eat

Step 2. Place food in basket

Step 3. Go to checkout and pay

Step 4. Leave shop

It really is as simple as that.


G is for Geek

Contrary to what all American films about high school tell you, there’s nothing wrong with being a little bit of a nerd. You’ve made an active choice to go here and pay 9,000 squids for it. Plus brainy is the new sexy - as we all know, there’s nothing quite like attractingthe opposite sex by knowing the square root of PI.


H is for Halls

Halls range massively. From thinking that you could appear on MTV’s Cribs, to ‘So this is what prison looks like’. Don’t worry too much if your halls aren’t up to much. Number one, it’s only for a year, and number two, if you hate it that much you can just harass Student Housing Offices until they give you a new one.


I is for Indecent

If you’re not very well acquainted with the human anatomy, then three years at university will teach you a thing or two. From boys on nights out wearing nothing more than a sock over their modesty, to girls getting their breasts out for a free drink or two. Even your house mate donning a wig, your thong and bra, and jumping out at you. One thing is for sure, you're about to get up close and personal like you wouldn’t believe.


J is for Jaundice

Right so this one’s pretty straightforward. Don’t drink so much you end up getting jaundice. Your skin and eyes will go yellow and therefore nobody will want to sleep with you. Which apparently, is what university is all about.


K is for Kitchens

A sly one, but kitchens can cause arguments that will make you want to do to your flat mates, what the Americans want to do to President Assad right now. These clashes often occur between two different types of kitchen people. The first breed is the type who, if you don’t wash up your knife and fork instantly after every single meal, they will kill you while you sleep. The second: the slob who will be responsible for all stolen food and your kitchen looking like it’s inhabited by a large range of farmyard animals.


L is for Love

Statically you’re most likely to marry the person you meet at university. Isn’t that a lovely thought?Imagine telling your grandchildren in fifty years time ‘well, we were in a club and grandpa started grinding on me from behind, bought me a drink and the rest was history’. Ahhh, romance, you can’t beat it.


Look out for part two coming soon..

Joanna Bateson-Hill

Originating from Brixton, London, I study Theatre and Performance at University of Leeds. I love everything to do with film, theatre and most of all writing, with the occasional bit of swimming thrown in for good measure. I hope to write articles that make people laugh but also make them think. To me, writing is a fun, cheap and healthier form of therapy. I hope that people have as much fun reading my articles as I do writing them, which is a lot.


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