The ‘Sorting Hat’ Technique
Like her or loathe her, J.K invented this ingenious way of distinguishing personality traits. Gryffindor: the people who stand up for you when a lecherous ass tries to grab you in the club. Ravenclaw: the ones who will proof read your essays for you. Hufflepuff: the one who holds your hair back and pays for the taxi home. Then there's Slytherin: the one who will deny you ever bought them a drink and ‘accidently’ forget to pay you for the taxi ride home. Unlike the segregated echelons of Hogwarts, all friendship groups need a good variety of each house. Yes, even Slytherins, as their fathers tend to own multi-million pound companies and tend to walk around with the Darth Vader soundtrack playing in the background.
The ‘Who Would I Eat First’ Technique
Now let’s get things straight. In no way am I endorsing cannibalism. However we’ve all been in a social situation where one of our friends is pissing us off and we think ‘If we were all on a desert island, I would definitely eat you first’. When making new friends, it is important to keep a mental note of the ones you would eat and the ones you would not. A mental note obviously. Speaking these thoughts aloud in Fresher’s Week may mean no friends at all for the next three years.
The ‘Who You Would Take a Bullet For’ Technique
A proverbial bullet of course; I’m not going to come to your halls and put this to the test. Maybe I should rephrase this to be ‘The Person with which you Feel Least Awkward with and After Twenty Years of Friendship may Consider Taking a Small Non -Threatening Life Injury for.’ Yeah, them. Hold on to them. You’ll need those ones a lot. Especially if you’ve decided to study firearms at university.
The ‘Advantage’ Technique
University is designed to broaden our horizons, to nourish and nurture our knowledge till we emerge like a beautiful budding butterfly from our small brown, very cheaply rented, cocoons. Alternately, nourishment can also be found in making social connections with people you can use in later life. It’s called networking, and it’s all you’re going to hear about for the next three years of your life. I’m not saying you have to hold hands with them and get matching friendship bracelets - and if the person is a complete racist/homophobic/ misogynistic arse, then it’s probably worth getting them to jog on. Lest we forget Mark in Peep Show.
The ‘Musical Buddy’ Technique
As we all know, when we attend a lovely discotheque, music is normally present. As we also know, we tend to go with our friends. Whether you prefer nights that involve short skirts and lots of £1 Alco pops to screaming death metal - of the puppy slaughtering variety - it’s normally best to find people who share your musical habitat. You’ll also find that in general, people who like the same music as you, also have the same interests and outlook on life. Saying that, I once met a chap who was into house music and he was very nice indeed. So no need to take this one as set in stone.
So, there you go, your fun and friendly guide on how to make friends. I think I’ve covered all the basics here. Now off you go..