As you fiercely scrub the bacteria-ridden dirt from your kitchen cupboards and curse the now seemingly unwise 6am curfew of the night before, it may dawn upon you that an even greater task looms ahead. As you frantically remove any evidence of debauchery and alcohol-fuelled activity from the premises, your parents will most likely at that very moment be journeying closer and closer. The culmination of this is inescapable, and if you thought the fungus growing in your room was bad, then you have clearly not prepared yourself for the dreaded journey back home with your parents. If hungover beyond corpse status, you must maintain a coherent and pleasant façade. Here are some tips for surviving this arduous ordeal:
1. DON’T BE SICK. This is the crucial first step to success. Sick is a no go area. In order to remain firmly in your parent’s good books, do not chuck up remnants of last night’s Woo Woo and Flames’ “food” on any area of their car. Remember, all of you will have to sit and soak in its meaty stench for the rest of the long, long drive home. Take a plastic bag for a sense of security or comfort, and if you have mastered the art of silent vomiting, then, sir, I salute you and wish you the best…
2. Put up with their music. Classic FM can be surprisingly soothing for the soul and far better for your headache than Kerrang! or Top 40 garbage…
3. Make articulate and intelligible conversation. You want your parents to believe that they have raised a well-adjusted, educated and hard-working young adult. Project this image at all times. Avoid mentioning centurions, all-night benders, New Girl marathons and dubious one-night stands. Emphasise real or false academic achievements, and tastefully relay funny anecdotes involving the library or witty banter with your seminar tutors.
4. Fall asleep. If you are in the unenviable state of on-going intoxication, sleep, if achievable, is the wisest avenue for you to take. In order to avoid any slurring of words, crying, or ill-judged, still-drunken confessions, unconsciousness should provide an adequate cover to disguise your shame. Blame cumulative exhaustion from months of revision to gain some of those always-lucrative brownie points.
5. Be normal and chill. Don’t say anything weird and remember that it’ll all be over soon. You’ll be passed out on your bed after inhaling some glorious homemade cuisine in no time!
If you fail to achieve this level of normality, then put faith into your parent's parental instincts and regress into the fetal position. Pray that they favour pity over rage.