1. It’s a tough life being rich in London.
The next time you’re tearing your hair out over another un-payable bill, pondering how many meals can be made out of tinned tomatoes and rice, or resignedly handing in your CV at McDonalds in a desperate attempt to afford your summer holiday, spare a thought for the Chelsea sufferers. Their lives are so hard that they frequently ‘have to get out of London’. It’s a difficult job sitting in bars drinking and talking about whose getting with who, so it’s only understandable that they should want to jet off to the foreign lands of Cannes and Verbier, in order to sit in bars drinking and talk about whose getting with who. Residents of Chelsea, I salute you.
2. Full length words are totes ridic yah?
Are you stuck in the pattern of referring to your friends by their actual names, and speaking out sentences in their full form? Well, stop right there! One valuable lesson I’ve learnt from the MIC gang is that, by shortening names (Spenny, Pruders, Binky…), and getting rid of those silly time wasting syllables (if you can guess what the word is going to be by the first syllable or two then that’s all you need. Litch.), you can save approximately an hour a day. Practice makes perfect, but once you’ve mastered the art there are plenty of great ways to spend your new found time, such as awkward silences, or standing next to SW1 road signs. You’re welcome.
3. A common side effect of cheating is memory loss.
Our poor Chelsea buddies seem to have a common bout of amnesia as, unfortunately, whenever they decide to stray from their significant other, they can never seem to remember that it's happened! It’s only approximately two episodes later that they seem to realise that they have in fact been sleeping with someone other than their beloved boyfriend/girlfriend. Sometimes it even happens when they haven’t been cheating. Maybe it’s just because the process of natural selection is so determined to continue breeding these fine specimens that the process of fornication between two Chelsea dwellers is so strong and unstoppable the participant is totally unaware of what’s occurring. By the time the programme draws to a close the inter-relations of the cast is likely to be so strong that they will have created one giant collective gene pool which will explode into a new cast, quite literally ‘Made in Chelsea’.
4. If you’re going to confront someone, you should probably do it publicly at a party.
This way, you save the time and effort of telling all your friends (and acquaintances, and enemies, and the stranger from next door) individually, as everyone can watch. If you need any pointers on how to execute this one, look no further than professional Millie Mackintosh, whose ‘Smackintosh’ moment saw someone finally tell Spencer what an absolute bellend he is, via the force of Millie’s hand to his big smug face. Far superior to a quiet chat over a cuppa.
5. There is a god. He resides in the form of Francis Boulle.
As a committed MIC fan from the beginning, it’s been a long time that I’ve been singing the praises of what Wikipedia describes as a ‘Franco-Mauritian polo-playing heir to a diamond fortune’ (no really). It took a while for everyone else to catch on, but I feel that, like any religious prophet, over time his excellence has become understood. Not only is he the only cast regular to have his own Wiki page, Francis knows how to rock a skateboard and attend a party in his pyjamas (complete with teddy). Once I met the man himself in Hyde Park pub where he described my travelling plans as a ‘kind of like a post-uni gap yah’. It took every ounce of self-control for me not to jump on him screaming.
So, whatever criticisms you have of Made in Chelsea, I think I’ve made it fairly apparent that there’s a lot to be learnt. It might be worth mentioning now that many of these things are actually only applicable if you are rich enough to light your barbeque using £50 notes, and so posh that the intonation of your voice is so bizarre it makes Mr Bean sound comprehensible. Either way, thank you Made in Chelsea for setting a wondrous example for future generations. First stop BAFTA, next up Nobel Prize.