Food, Glorious Food!

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We’ve had the BBC trying to pigeon hole us with their 7 different types of class. Chances are, your University newspaper has even tried to categorize you into being ‘nerd’, ‘sport jock’ or ‘party animal’ etc. To jazz things up a little, I thought it might be fun to add a new type of category to stereotype people with... Food. 

The Connoisseur

Can distinguish Stilton from a Camembert at a minimum of 10 paces and spends most of their weekly budget on food you didn’t even know existed. Likely to annoy you when you're trying to cook as they spend 10 hours making a simple sandwich. Enemy of the halfwit, whom they will often try to shut in the fridge and shout at as they’ve chopped their onions the ‘wrong way’.

The Halfwit

Finds whatever’s in the back of the cupboard and sticks it in a frying pan. Enjoys creating ‘interesting’ concoctions that consist of pasta with some form of goop on top, sprinkled with the light remnants of whatever they found in the freezer.  Chances are, they’ve cut several of their fingers off when trying to slice a mushroom as they have never heard of chopping board and regularly test how well the house fire alarm is working.

The Healthy Eater

Can knock up a delicious and yet not satisfying meal using the contents of most salad draws. Enjoys the delights of Quinoa and lentils and other such pulses. These are usually the most resourceful of eaters and the type who are most likely to survive the apocalypse as they can easily identify edible flora and fungi.

The Takeaway Fiend

Relative of the ‘half-wit’ and enemy of the ‘healthy eater’. Considers Eat.com as a recipe book and believes that the only foods you can consume are either from Italy, China or India. Doesn’t believe in breakfast unless it is microwaveable. Although the take-away fiend is a rare breed they can still be found in even the most deserted places.

The Fuss Pot

Let’s be honest here, we all know one and if you don’t now, you did when you were growing up. This is the sort of person who hates all food of all different shapes and sizes and can only eat two things in the entire world, like fish fingers or crisps or carrots. Normally the fusspot will grow out of irritating habits by the time they reach puberty because they’ve realized that they’re f**king everyone off. Unfortunately there are those who do not and are doomed to a diet of Coco Pops and cheese for the rest of their sorry days.

So, I hope you enjoyed that and didn’t take it too seriously, as it was meant to be a bit of fun! Unless you are a fusspot. Then it was to be taken seriously.  

Joanna Bateson-Hill

Originating from Brixton, London, I study Theatre and Performance at University of Leeds. I love everything to do with film, theatre and most of all writing, with the occasional bit of swimming thrown in for good measure. I hope to write articles that make people laugh but also make them think. To me, writing is a fun, cheap and healthier form of therapy. I hope that people have as much fun reading my articles as I do writing them, which is a lot.

Website: brixton-rose.blogspot.co.uk/

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